Have you ever felt like your relationship with social media was out of control? Like a romance that starts with an instant connection, quickly spins into manic obsession, and eventually causes you to lose your self-control? I did. So, I decided to break it off – almost completely – for 40 days. It’s probably the best decision I’ve made yet this year – a trial separation that changed my life so much for the better, that I’ve decided to keep it that way.
My relationship with social media started off passionately over 20 years ago while I was in college. My first social media crush was named AOL. It was the early 90’s – a world of desktops and dial-up modems but no Google or Yahoo. If you were around then, you’ll remember the outrageous direct mail AOL sent with floppies of their free software and a free trial offer. I fell for it. I liked the idea of my own personal email address (mikeh@aol.com) and easy access to the best of the Internet. Once the software was installed, I quickly discovered AOL chat rooms.
Almost every night, I dialed in and spent countless hours working my way from chat room to chat room and connecting with people from around the world who shared similar interests (i.e. just about anything with M4M in the chat room name). To be clear, as an impressionable college student in Nebraska, who was coming out during the HIV/AIDS epidemic, AOL chat rooms opened up a new – only sometimes sordid – universe for me. Chat rooms allowed me to connect with men quickly and easily without the stress of gay bars and clubs.
Then I met Friendster. At some point a friend, way cooler than me, told me about this new website called Friendster. It was kind of like a dating site, but different. On Friendster you created a searchable profile and networked with other people, sharing messages, comments, and photos. Friendster was fun. I flirted with some really amazing guys from around the world. I gave MySpace a try, but it just wasn’t my jam.
And then came Facebook.
At first, I treated Facebook the same as AOL and Friendster – as a way to meet guys. But as its popularity grew, the site evolved more into a way to connect with friends and family. And then it launched an app for mobile phones, and it became a way to stay in constant contact with friends and family, many of whom had been lost for a long time. And then everyone was on it, all the time, including my mom, a few crazy aunts and uncles, influencers and advertisers, etc. And then big data got smarter, and my feed got creepier. And then Russian bots began spreading fake news that pissed me off so much that I composed epic posts that I had to monitor constantly for responses. And then I got a side piece, Instagram, and I posted way too much about myself and cared way too much about how many people hit “LOVE” or “WOW!”
Too. Fucking. Much.
So, for Lent this year, I decided to do a trial separation with social media, to hit reset on my relationships with both Facebook and Instagram.
Maybe you’ve thought to yourself that you spend too much time and energy on social media but can’t imagine your life without it. Social media has come to play such a significant, and at times valuable, role in our lives – a widely accepted way of announcing big life events, sharing up-to-the minute news and information, inviting people to events, etc.
I was concerned that I might miss something important, too, so I came up with a strategy. First, I removed all of the app links and icons to Facebook and Instagram from my computer and mobile devices. Second, I limited my time to about an hour every week, on Saturday morning before the rest of the house got moving.
Then came COVID-19, and I briefly reconsidered my decision. Was this really the time to isolate myself from the buzz of the world? Yes, that was the whole idea. What if something happened to someone I loved? They would call or email. What if I missed some important piece of news? I would read about it in the Post or see it on CNN. I decided to stick to the original plan.
It has paid off. Not only have I not missed Facebook and Instagram – hardly at all – I’ve experienced at least two incredible benefits from my separation from social media.
Immediately, I got back hours in every day. Yes, HOURS. I’ve done my best to spend that time wisely. Here’s how:
- Real one-on-one interactions are occurring organically with my friends and family. I call my best friend a couple of times each week. I call my sister. I engage with my partner both more often and in more meaningful ways.
- Fitness is no longer something I aspire to, it actually happens. I have worn through a pair of walking shoes exploring the city on foot (and caught up on my podcast queue). I hit the yoga mat more often. I tried Fitness 305 with a great friend.
- Chores that have been put off for months are getting done. I have done some spring cleaning, purged a closet, and planted a garden.
- Prayer and reflection are a priority. The world needs them.
It’s amazing what I’ve accomplished by making the time, redirecting my energy, and staying focused. Facebook and Instagram are easy distractions. I had to get them out of the way in order to get to what really matters to me.
And over time, I’ve noticed that I’m experiencing less anxiety. Facebook and Instagram injected unnecessary angst into my life. Not anymore. By way of example:
- Donald Trump no longer controls my moods. Love him or hate him, the little orange guy is a wizard at dominating the spin cycle, but take away Twitter and Facebook, and you take away so much of his power.
- Accurate information and informed perspective win out over misinformation and bias. When COVID-19 started to hit hard, social media perpetuated a flood of misinformation regarding its enormous impact, how to prevent it, and when and how we will recover. It seems far wiser to seek out this critical information on my own from trusted sources rather than having it spit at me from who knows where.
- FOMO is real, people. At least I know it was for me, which is why I was checking my Facebook and Instagram feeds almost every time I picked up my phone or logged onto the Internet. You have to trust me on this one – I rarely feel like I’m missing out on anything. I might have been a couple of days late to the game on D-Nice’s sets on Instagram Live, but…meh…so what?
I’m breathing easier these days, after coming clean from all of the negative ways that social media has impacted my life.
I’m now ready to re-embrace the positive aspects, and so, you’ll find me on Facebook and Instagram more often, but not without controls. Here are the guidelines I intend to follow and recommend to anyone who wants to move social media from the crazy obsession zone back to the friend zone:
- Hide the app links and icons to your favorite social media sites. Out of sight…out of mind. I don’t know about you, but I’m a red bubble chaser. If I think someone sent me a message or tagged me in a post, I want to check it out immediately. It can wait.
- Limit the time you spend to whatever is reasonable for you. Your time is valuable, spend it wisely. During my separ, I accessed social media once per week. Now, I’m checking once in the morning and once in the late afternoon. That works for me.
- Choose your friends wisely. You know that guy you met at a party ten years ago and haven’t seen since – the one who posts twenty times a day about Bernie? Delete. Same goes for all the thirst bait you’ve accumulated over the years and now regularly scroll past.
- Unfollow crazy people you can’t delete, but don’t want to hear from on a regular basis. You know who I’m talking about – that brother, aunt, or coworker who fills your feed with fake news, political crap, or angel memes. Click on the three dots in the upper right-hand corner of their last post and then hit “Unfollow [Insert Name].” They’ll still be a friend, just not one who bugs you all the time.
- Engage with people. Instead of shameless self-promotion, try posing a question. I broke my cleanse during the first week so that I could ask my network for book recommendations. Libraries were closing for COVID-19 in two days, and I needed to stock up. I received over 40 responses that resulted in some solid suggestions and great conversation.
- Maintain your perspective above all else. Decide how you want social media to fit into your life and then stick to it.
Coming out of my 40-day trial separation with social media, I feel as if I’ve kicked a bad habit. I’ll continue using Facebook and Instagram on my own terms to stay connected to the people and organizations I value, but that’s it. I’m not clicking on the lascivious headlines, taking the silly quizzes, trying to change people’s political affiliation with a post, or following guys with great abs but nothing to say and no actual job. I’m keeping it real, light-hearted, fun. So, keep the memes coming “Shithead Steve,” the videos rolling “Animals Doing Things,” and my world spinning “@AngelPorrom.” I’m really glad we can still be friends.